I miss you each and every day.
The poetic words that once flowed so effortlessly seem lost inside of me.
Life has resumed for me, as they say, after a loved one dies.
Resumed to a level where I function in an acceptable manner, go through the motions,
can make it through the day,
keeping it together.
I realize now that it is alright to carry this ache inside of me,
this ache is for you, because of you
It does not have to be something to rid myself of, ever.
Everything I do, you are with me.
My thoughts are filled with your memory, memories of us.
People might have their opinions on what is right or wrong.
All I know is that I dont feel as alone as I did several weeks back,
that having you with me this way helps me get through the days..
Now how can that be bad?
You are still with me, even in death.
I will not ever let you go either, my friend.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thirty Days Gone
Thirty Days Gone
Thirty days gone
My hopes for tomorrow
Waking to an easier, less troublesome day
Ceasing to wake.
You were reliable
in an unreliable world,
full of broken promises
failed followups and empty words.
You were considerate
Always managing to find time for me
in a chaotic
stuck on fast-forward world.
You knew me
all my idiosyncrasies,
quirks, phobias and issues,
Saw through my facade,
accepted me as I was.
I taught you compassion.
You taught me perseverance.
I taught you tolerance.
You taught me determination.
I taught you how to relax.
You taught me how to not take myself so seriously.
I taught you patience.
You taught me about my strength.
A life that is lost too soon is inconceivable.
A best friend that is lost forever is unconscionable.
For Adam
June 13, 2015
My hopes for tomorrow
Waking to an easier, less troublesome day
Ceasing to wake.
You were reliable
in an unreliable world,
full of broken promises
failed followups and empty words.
You were considerate
Always managing to find time for me
in a chaotic
stuck on fast-forward world.
You knew me
all my idiosyncrasies,
quirks, phobias and issues,
Saw through my facade,
accepted me as I was.
I taught you compassion.
You taught me perseverance.
I taught you tolerance.
You taught me determination.
I taught you how to relax.
You taught me how to not take myself so seriously.
I taught you patience.
You taught me about my strength.
A life that is lost too soon is inconceivable.
A best friend that is lost forever is unconscionable.
For Adam
June 13, 2015
My Wings
My Wings
Miles distance, with apparent feeble attempts to show truth and sincerity. The fog thickens.
It is becoming increasingly more difficult to have any faith in the path in which I want to take.
The soles of my feet feel the cool rich earth pulling me in deeper and deeper.
The more I struggle the more I become a part of it.
I need to fly.
My wings may be slightly torn but if I stay in the illusion,
I will become permanently grounded,
entrapped in the the vines of a typical life.
My wings may be slightly torn but if I stay in the illusion,
I will become permanently grounded,
entrapped in the the vines of a typical life.
The Wanderer
What is she like?
I was told-
She is a
melancholy soul.
She is like
the sun to night;
a momentary gold
A star when dimmed
by dawning light;
the flicker of
a candle blown.
A lonely kite
kept lost in flight-
someone once
had flown.
Author: Lang Leav
Thursday, July 2, 2015
She's a wild child he could tame
"She's a wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child
You've never heard of her favorite band unless you
Been to Bonnaroo or Burning Man
She's Penny Lane in a Chevy van, she loves to love
She loves me wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child
She'll be here until she runs
Some just have to chase the sun."
You were the only one that could partially tame me.
You were the only one that knew me, understood me.
Even when I refused to let you in, put up my walls,
fought you with all that I had, talked in circles..
You kept pushing forward, never gave up and got through.
Fact is no one else has ever done that
and I am sure no one ever will do that again.
Facing a future alone is frightening yet humbling.
I can do this.
Would you do it for me?
I wish I had a fraction of your strength.
You taught me so much.
It has been only month and a half since you left.
How am I to live without your pushing me?
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child
You've never heard of her favorite band unless you
Been to Bonnaroo or Burning Man
She's Penny Lane in a Chevy van, she loves to love
She loves me wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child
She'll be here until she runs
Some just have to chase the sun."
You were the only one that could partially tame me.
You were the only one that knew me, understood me.
Even when I refused to let you in, put up my walls,
fought you with all that I had, talked in circles..
You kept pushing forward, never gave up and got through.
Fact is no one else has ever done that
and I am sure no one ever will do that again.
Facing a future alone is frightening yet humbling.
I can do this.
Would you do it for me?
I wish I had a fraction of your strength.
You taught me so much.
It has been only month and a half since you left.
How am I to live without your pushing me?
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Putting myself first
It has been 34 days since you left.
I am in awe, the best way of defining it, how everyone around me expects me to just be fine with this, to go about my life as if nothing has happened, has changed, or that I should even be phased by this is any way.
To say the least, I am heartbroken, living every day in this empty shell, trying to find one minute joy in each new day enough to carry on to the next. I know there will be a easier future despite your absence, I just cant see it yet. I find myself resenting those around me for overlooking my feelings, for not being there for me in a time when I desperately have needed someone to just "be there for me," for whatever it may be, to talk to, to ramble on and on, to bounce thoughts off of, to lean on, to turn to for advice but mostly to be my support during this very difficult and painful time in my life.
No one has been that for me, not my friends, my children, or my so-called boyfriend that claims he is supportive but can't sense I am hurting at all? No one has "the time" to spend any time with me whatsoever. I am not begging for anyone to feel sorry for me or to give me special attention, I merely thought that maybe they could put aside some things just for a short time, make time for me, during this time while I am grieving. No more.
I have learned that I can't count on them for anything. I can, as always, only count on myself to console myself. This experience has awakened so much in me despite the great level of pain that I sense may never truly leave me. Perhaps that is ok.
It is time I think about my life, my future What I want for my life, for myself, how to make myself happy... instead of putting everyone first as I have always done. If I didn't put the needs of others first, I would have seen Adam before he died. This is where it ends.
What a tragedy that it has taken the loss of my best friend to show me that I need to think of myself over others.
Where will I go? Michigan? Move further south? I will save enough money to get a down payment on a house or mobile and not ask for anything from anybody and just move away, start over, myself, my animals and my memories of Adam. That will be enough for the rest of my life. If they choose to be apart of my life, that will be on the part of them not me.
I miss you Adam, so very much. I realize that you are in the 34 day of Bardo, looking for that perfect womb to be reborn from. I wish you well, my friend. I will see you again. Soon.
I am in awe, the best way of defining it, how everyone around me expects me to just be fine with this, to go about my life as if nothing has happened, has changed, or that I should even be phased by this is any way.
To say the least, I am heartbroken, living every day in this empty shell, trying to find one minute joy in each new day enough to carry on to the next. I know there will be a easier future despite your absence, I just cant see it yet. I find myself resenting those around me for overlooking my feelings, for not being there for me in a time when I desperately have needed someone to just "be there for me," for whatever it may be, to talk to, to ramble on and on, to bounce thoughts off of, to lean on, to turn to for advice but mostly to be my support during this very difficult and painful time in my life.
No one has been that for me, not my friends, my children, or my so-called boyfriend that claims he is supportive but can't sense I am hurting at all? No one has "the time" to spend any time with me whatsoever. I am not begging for anyone to feel sorry for me or to give me special attention, I merely thought that maybe they could put aside some things just for a short time, make time for me, during this time while I am grieving. No more.
I have learned that I can't count on them for anything. I can, as always, only count on myself to console myself. This experience has awakened so much in me despite the great level of pain that I sense may never truly leave me. Perhaps that is ok.
It is time I think about my life, my future What I want for my life, for myself, how to make myself happy... instead of putting everyone first as I have always done. If I didn't put the needs of others first, I would have seen Adam before he died. This is where it ends.
What a tragedy that it has taken the loss of my best friend to show me that I need to think of myself over others.
Where will I go? Michigan? Move further south? I will save enough money to get a down payment on a house or mobile and not ask for anything from anybody and just move away, start over, myself, my animals and my memories of Adam. That will be enough for the rest of my life. If they choose to be apart of my life, that will be on the part of them not me.
I miss you Adam, so very much. I realize that you are in the 34 day of Bardo, looking for that perfect womb to be reborn from. I wish you well, my friend. I will see you again. Soon.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
June 4, 2015
Do you hear me when I speak to you?
Do my words just fade away into the air?
How far are you?
You are in the 2nd stage of bardos, facing karma, the peaceful and wrathful deities coming to you, forcing you to face your past decisions, choices, all that you did and said.
Will you face it honestly or deny it?
It is almost impossible for me to find any sense of comfort in my days.
How am I not to worry about you still, even in death?
You were not the most angelic of people in your life yet know you had a good heart.
The acts you committed
the words that came from your mouth in anger
the jealousy
the lies
the aggression...
what often motivated you was not pure..
The five precepts are not to kill, not to steal, not to lie, to not commit sexual misconduct, to not take illicit drugs/drink alcohol.
Facing what you have done will free yourself of your past, and you will not need to repeat such acts. Accept what you have done,open up your heart and mind and be free.
In there, you will find peace.
Be reborn well, good, happy.
Find me again.
I miss you so very much Adam.
Do my words just fade away into the air?
How far are you?
You are in the 2nd stage of bardos, facing karma, the peaceful and wrathful deities coming to you, forcing you to face your past decisions, choices, all that you did and said.
Will you face it honestly or deny it?
It is almost impossible for me to find any sense of comfort in my days.
How am I not to worry about you still, even in death?
You were not the most angelic of people in your life yet know you had a good heart.
The acts you committed
the words that came from your mouth in anger
the jealousy
the lies
the aggression...
what often motivated you was not pure..
The five precepts are not to kill, not to steal, not to lie, to not commit sexual misconduct, to not take illicit drugs/drink alcohol.
Facing what you have done will free yourself of your past, and you will not need to repeat such acts. Accept what you have done,open up your heart and mind and be free.
In there, you will find peace.
Be reborn well, good, happy.
Find me again.
I miss you so very much Adam.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
It has been 17 days
So I speak to you in riddles because my words get in my way. I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away 'cause i can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart.
Cause its always raining in my head. Forget all the things I should have said. Epiphany. Staind.
It has been 17 days. I finally can eat at the very least. My dreams are endless, dreams of texts from you, only waking to realize there is no reality in it. It is becoming more and more apparent that you are not coming back, although my mind already knows this.. somehow I keep saying maybe it is a mistake, they were wrong...
So many lessons learned. We always think we have another moment, another day to do the things we want to do, say the words we want to say. The reality is that we do not. WE do not. That opportunity is gone, along with that is the words we never had a chance to say, the apologies that never came, the chances to meet, spend time together.. catch up on life. You never could slow down with work, give yourself a break. It was always go go with you, perhaps that it a New York life style, perhaps that was your drive. You pushed yourself so hard, too hard I often said.
the moments are gone. They will not return. I wonder where you are every moment I am alive and will continue to do so. You were so very dear to me, the one that understood me when no one else could. I feel so alone.
Buddhism tells me not to live with regret, to fill my heat with joy, hope, peace, inner contentment.. to accept death as I have life. I am trying with all that I have to do that.
My heart still breaks for you but I will live the rest of my life getting closer and closer to the Buddhist's teachings in order to find peace in this life.
Becoming a Buddhist in the only way, the right way now for me. I will follow all that they teach and devote my life to it. It is time for a change, a positive change. I believe in their wisdom, it gives me peace.
Until we speak again.
It has been 17 days. I finally can eat at the very least. My dreams are endless, dreams of texts from you, only waking to realize there is no reality in it. It is becoming more and more apparent that you are not coming back, although my mind already knows this.. somehow I keep saying maybe it is a mistake, they were wrong...
So many lessons learned. We always think we have another moment, another day to do the things we want to do, say the words we want to say. The reality is that we do not. WE do not. That opportunity is gone, along with that is the words we never had a chance to say, the apologies that never came, the chances to meet, spend time together.. catch up on life. You never could slow down with work, give yourself a break. It was always go go with you, perhaps that it a New York life style, perhaps that was your drive. You pushed yourself so hard, too hard I often said.
the moments are gone. They will not return. I wonder where you are every moment I am alive and will continue to do so. You were so very dear to me, the one that understood me when no one else could. I feel so alone.
Buddhism tells me not to live with regret, to fill my heat with joy, hope, peace, inner contentment.. to accept death as I have life. I am trying with all that I have to do that.
My heart still breaks for you but I will live the rest of my life getting closer and closer to the Buddhist's teachings in order to find peace in this life.
Becoming a Buddhist in the only way, the right way now for me. I will follow all that they teach and devote my life to it. It is time for a change, a positive change. I believe in their wisdom, it gives me peace.
Until we speak again.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
So as I speak to you daily
May 20, 2015.
How do I fill my mind of other thoughts when everything I do reminds me of you? Every television program is of NY, every commercial.. All my CDs are the CDS that you liked, the music that reminds me of you.. your chosen song when you would go out on the baseball field, the links to songs that you wanted me to hear, all the bands that you saw live.... I picked up your laugh years ago and it use to bother me now it comforts me...
Every time I get a text or email, I am remind of you and for a moment, I forget and think that it could be you and the cycle of heartache starts all over again. When will this suffering end? I hurt for my own loss, that I will never get to see you or hear your voice, feel your hand, see your gorgeous blue eyes ever again.. but I hurt more so for your loss, the premature loss of life that is so unfair. You had so much life left to live, you had grandchildren yet to meet, more trips to take, a business that was to be up and running soon. The future was so bright and all yours. You had so much to give the world.
You were special, inspiring, and strong. Your laughter was contagious. Your sense of humor was amazing, so unique. You were the toughest guy I ever knew. How could this happen to you? Why? I try not to be angry but as days pass, I find myself becoming angry with your leaving. I want and NEED to hear you again, to feel you again. I cant go on this way. You have been the love of my life for so long although I moved on, we moved on... we had to. You are my soulmate... and always will be.
If I can find the strength inside of myself somehow I will try and remember that you are still here, as my beliefs remind me. You still exist although I can not see you or hear you, although I can not feel you... you still exist just not in the physical body that you once did.
So as I speak to you daily, I can only hope that you hear me from across the miles, however vast they are.
All my love.
How do I fill my mind of other thoughts when everything I do reminds me of you? Every television program is of NY, every commercial.. All my CDs are the CDS that you liked, the music that reminds me of you.. your chosen song when you would go out on the baseball field, the links to songs that you wanted me to hear, all the bands that you saw live.... I picked up your laugh years ago and it use to bother me now it comforts me...
Every time I get a text or email, I am remind of you and for a moment, I forget and think that it could be you and the cycle of heartache starts all over again. When will this suffering end? I hurt for my own loss, that I will never get to see you or hear your voice, feel your hand, see your gorgeous blue eyes ever again.. but I hurt more so for your loss, the premature loss of life that is so unfair. You had so much life left to live, you had grandchildren yet to meet, more trips to take, a business that was to be up and running soon. The future was so bright and all yours. You had so much to give the world.
You were special, inspiring, and strong. Your laughter was contagious. Your sense of humor was amazing, so unique. You were the toughest guy I ever knew. How could this happen to you? Why? I try not to be angry but as days pass, I find myself becoming angry with your leaving. I want and NEED to hear you again, to feel you again. I cant go on this way. You have been the love of my life for so long although I moved on, we moved on... we had to. You are my soulmate... and always will be.
If I can find the strength inside of myself somehow I will try and remember that you are still here, as my beliefs remind me. You still exist although I can not see you or hear you, although I can not feel you... you still exist just not in the physical body that you once did.
So as I speak to you daily, I can only hope that you hear me from across the miles, however vast they are.
All my love.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Buddhism, the 49 days & bardos-Feel Free to respond.
Day 7. I find myself feeling the same as I did the moment I received the call, hearing the voice on the line saying, "he died." Those words, as cliche as it sounds, haunt me day and night. They play over and over in my head, taking my breath for a quick second. Every time I think of you my body is flooded with this undeniable heat, from head to toe. I can only assume it is due to my panic attacks, grown significantly more severe since you have left.
I am in a state of numbness mixed in with a pain I can't get a handle on, which is so unlike me. I am usually in control of my feelings. I don't let people affect me, get into my veins. I don't show emotion, I don't cry-all signs of weakness I was told all of my life. I maintain control of myself and my thoughts and feelings at all times. Or so I once did.
Everything I do I feel almost guilty that I am "doing It" and you aren't. Why should be doing anything when all that you had has been lost? taken away? My brain says that is not the correct way, the logical way of facing this. My heart wont let me see it any other way.
My knowledge and following of Buddhism, though my basic knowledge of explains the 49 days of transition, or that it takes 49 days for the spirit to be reborn into a new life (or reach nirvana) called bardos. Some may be reborn faster, some may take longer. How long one stay it theses phases depends on how spiritually aware or developed they are. Karma plays a significant part in this. How you treated others, behaved in your life before you died has a great impact on your next life.
Life does not end-it merely goes on into other forms that are a result of accumulated karma. Buddhism is the belief that emphasizes the impermanence of lives, including all those beyond the present life. Knowing this, I no longer fear death as I know (or assume) it will lead to rebirth. If one has the option, why would they not choose this? I also have found some sense of comfort in it as I know somehow I will see you Adam again, somehow someway, I will cross paths with you again.
Questions. Does rebirth mean the soul is reborn into a new life, meaning starting as a fetus being born? Can a soul go into another body already on earth? The person that died will always have the same soul no matter what form he/she is reincarnated "into." Correct?
I understand that nirvana is ultimately what we want to reach. Can anyone define it or explain what it is like? I assume peace, free of pain and suffering... but where are "you?" Do you no longer exist anywhere then? It is hard for me to wrap my brain around this sadly....
I have watched What Dreams May Come countless times, I mean prob 40 or more since 2000. It has been my favorite film for many reasons. Adam watched it with me despite him being one of those "Oh I don't like the soft romantic girlie films." type. He loved it though. I hold onto the hope that death is somewhat like that. He will somehow reach me, I will feel his presence someday and know that he is not that far away. We are soul mates. We always have been since the day he met me in Middle Town but could not make it work long term due to so many obstacles. Sad now how you see all could have been overcome.
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Fuck I hate cliches but they are so so true.
I live with so many regrets right now that it eats at me like maggots devouring a spoiled piece of meat.
I miss you.
I am in a state of numbness mixed in with a pain I can't get a handle on, which is so unlike me. I am usually in control of my feelings. I don't let people affect me, get into my veins. I don't show emotion, I don't cry-all signs of weakness I was told all of my life. I maintain control of myself and my thoughts and feelings at all times. Or so I once did.
Everything I do I feel almost guilty that I am "doing It" and you aren't. Why should be doing anything when all that you had has been lost? taken away? My brain says that is not the correct way, the logical way of facing this. My heart wont let me see it any other way.
My knowledge and following of Buddhism, though my basic knowledge of explains the 49 days of transition, or that it takes 49 days for the spirit to be reborn into a new life (or reach nirvana) called bardos. Some may be reborn faster, some may take longer. How long one stay it theses phases depends on how spiritually aware or developed they are. Karma plays a significant part in this. How you treated others, behaved in your life before you died has a great impact on your next life.
Life does not end-it merely goes on into other forms that are a result of accumulated karma. Buddhism is the belief that emphasizes the impermanence of lives, including all those beyond the present life. Knowing this, I no longer fear death as I know (or assume) it will lead to rebirth. If one has the option, why would they not choose this? I also have found some sense of comfort in it as I know somehow I will see you Adam again, somehow someway, I will cross paths with you again.
Questions. Does rebirth mean the soul is reborn into a new life, meaning starting as a fetus being born? Can a soul go into another body already on earth? The person that died will always have the same soul no matter what form he/she is reincarnated "into." Correct?
I understand that nirvana is ultimately what we want to reach. Can anyone define it or explain what it is like? I assume peace, free of pain and suffering... but where are "you?" Do you no longer exist anywhere then? It is hard for me to wrap my brain around this sadly....
I have watched What Dreams May Come countless times, I mean prob 40 or more since 2000. It has been my favorite film for many reasons. Adam watched it with me despite him being one of those "Oh I don't like the soft romantic girlie films." type. He loved it though. I hold onto the hope that death is somewhat like that. He will somehow reach me, I will feel his presence someday and know that he is not that far away. We are soul mates. We always have been since the day he met me in Middle Town but could not make it work long term due to so many obstacles. Sad now how you see all could have been overcome.
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Fuck I hate cliches but they are so so true.
I live with so many regrets right now that it eats at me like maggots devouring a spoiled piece of meat.
I miss you.
Monday, May 18, 2015
You left way too soon
Today, May 18, 2015. It has been 5 days since you left the planet and nothing is the same. Tomorrow, a week ago, I spoke with you on the phone and you had to cut it short, saying you would talk to me later, had some business to do in town. That was the last time I spoke with you. If I knew that would be the last conversation, what would I have said differently? What would we have spoken about? The trivial day to day stuff as always? I am sickened by your leaving. I can not look at anything the same. You were my best friend despite our past, we worked through it all.. spoke volumes on how strong our relationship, our bond was. I can not see past my pain, this heartache. I can not see past all that you have lost, your whole future, all your dreams and plans.
I know of Buddhist teachings, that by the 49th say you will have passed through the 3 phases or stages.. and you will either be reborn or have reached Nirvana.
I just want to see you again, hear your voice, hear your laugh..one more time. I need to know that you are alright, somehow.
I dont want to be here alone. Please... dont leave me alone. We were back on track finally, had forgiven you for all of the past.. You were a new man.Why now?
You will always be in my thoughts no matter where I go
May 13, 2015 for Adam
I know of Buddhist teachings, that by the 49th say you will have passed through the 3 phases or stages.. and you will either be reborn or have reached Nirvana.
I just want to see you again, hear your voice, hear your laugh..one more time. I need to know that you are alright, somehow.
I dont want to be here alone. Please... dont leave me alone. We were back on track finally, had forgiven you for all of the past.. You were a new man.Why now?
You will always be in my thoughts no matter where I go
May 13, 2015 for Adam
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