It has been 17 days

So I speak to you in riddles because my words get in my way. I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away 'cause i can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart. Cause its always raining in my head. Forget all the things I should have said. Epiphany. Staind.


It has been 17 days. I finally can eat at the very least. My dreams are endless, dreams of texts from you, only waking to realize there is no reality in it. It is becoming more and more apparent that you are not coming back, although my mind already knows this.. somehow I keep saying maybe it is a mistake, they were wrong...
So many lessons learned. We always think we have another moment, another day to do the things we want to do, say the words we want to say. The reality is that we do not. WE do not. That opportunity is gone, along with that is the words we never had a chance to say, the apologies that never came, the chances to meet, spend time together.. catch up on life. You never could slow down with work, give yourself a break. It was always go go with you, perhaps that it a New York life style, perhaps that was your drive. You pushed yourself so hard, too hard I often said.
the moments are gone. They will not return. I wonder where you are every moment I am alive and will continue to do so. You were so very dear to me, the one that understood me when no one else could. I feel so alone. 
Buddhism tells me not to live with regret, to fill my heat with joy, hope, peace, inner contentment.. to accept death as I have life. I am trying with all that I have to do that. 
My heart still breaks for you but I will live the rest of my life getting closer and closer to the Buddhist's teachings in order to find peace in this life. 
Becoming a Buddhist in the only way, the right way now for me. I will follow all that they teach and devote my life to it. It is  time for a change, a positive change. I believe in their wisdom, it gives me peace.
Until we speak again.