Saturday, May 30, 2015

It has been 17 days

So I speak to you in riddles because my words get in my way. I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away 'cause i can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart. Cause its always raining in my head. Forget all the things I should have said. Epiphany. Staind.


It has been 17 days. I finally can eat at the very least. My dreams are endless, dreams of texts from you, only waking to realize there is no reality in it. It is becoming more and more apparent that you are not coming back, although my mind already knows this.. somehow I keep saying maybe it is a mistake, they were wrong...
So many lessons learned. We always think we have another moment, another day to do the things we want to do, say the words we want to say. The reality is that we do not. WE do not. That opportunity is gone, along with that is the words we never had a chance to say, the apologies that never came, the chances to meet, spend time together.. catch up on life. You never could slow down with work, give yourself a break. It was always go go with you, perhaps that it a New York life style, perhaps that was your drive. You pushed yourself so hard, too hard I often said.
the moments are gone. They will not return. I wonder where you are every moment I am alive and will continue to do so. You were so very dear to me, the one that understood me when no one else could. I feel so alone. 
Buddhism tells me not to live with regret, to fill my heat with joy, hope, peace, inner contentment.. to accept death as I have life. I am trying with all that I have to do that. 
My heart still breaks for you but I will live the rest of my life getting closer and closer to the Buddhist's teachings in order to find peace in this life. 
Becoming a Buddhist in the only way, the right way now for me. I will follow all that they teach and devote my life to it. It is  time for a change, a positive change. I believe in their wisdom, it gives me peace.
Until we speak again.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

So as I speak to you daily

May 20, 2015. 

How do I fill my mind of other thoughts when everything I do reminds me of you? Every television program is of NY, every commercial.. All my CDs are the CDS that you liked, the music that reminds me of you.. your chosen song when you would go out on the baseball field, the links to songs that you wanted me to hear, all the bands that you saw live.... I picked up your laugh years ago and it use to bother me now it comforts me...
Every time I get a text or email, I am remind of you and for a moment, I forget and think that it could be you and the cycle of heartache starts all over again. When will this suffering end? I hurt for my own loss, that I will never get to see you or hear your voice, feel your hand, see your gorgeous blue eyes ever again.. but I hurt more so for your loss, the premature loss of life that is so unfair.  You had so much life left to live, you had grandchildren yet to meet, more trips to take, a business that was to be up and running soon. The future was so bright and all yours. You had so much to give the world. 

You were special, inspiring, and strong. Your laughter was contagious. Your sense of humor was amazing, so unique. You were the toughest guy I ever knew. How could this happen to you? Why? I try not to be angry but as days pass, I find myself becoming angry with your leaving. I want and NEED to hear you again, to feel you again. I cant go on this way. You have been the love of my life for so long although I moved on, we moved on... we had to. You are my soulmate... and always will be.  

If I can find the strength inside of myself somehow I will try and remember that you are still here, as my beliefs remind me. You still exist although I can not see you or hear you, although I can not feel you... you still exist just not in the physical body that you once did.  

So as I speak to you daily, I can only hope that you hear me from across the miles, however vast they are.

All my love.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Buddhism, the 49 days & bardos-Feel Free to respond.

Day 7. I find myself feeling the same as I did the moment I received the call, hearing the voice on the line saying, "he died." Those words, as cliche as it sounds, haunt me day and night. They play over and over in my head, taking my breath for a quick second. Every time I think of you my body is flooded with this undeniable heat, from head to toe.  I can only assume it is due to my panic attacks, grown significantly more severe since you have left. 

I am in a state of numbness mixed in with a pain I can't get a handle on, which is so unlike me. I am usually in control of my feelings. I don't let people affect me, get into my veins. I don't show emotion, I don't cry-all signs of weakness I was told all of my life. I maintain control of myself and my thoughts and feelings at all times. Or so I once did. 

Everything I do I feel almost guilty that I am "doing It" and you aren't. Why should be doing anything when all that you had has been lost? taken away? My brain says that is not the correct way, the logical way of facing this. My heart wont let me see it any other way. 

My knowledge and following of Buddhism, though my basic knowledge of explains the 49 days of transition, or that it takes 49 days for the spirit to be reborn into a new life (or reach nirvana) called bardos. Some may be reborn faster, some may take longer. How long one stay it theses phases depends on how spiritually aware or developed they are. Karma plays a significant part in this. How you treated others, behaved in your life before you died has a great impact on your next life.

Life does not end-it merely goes on into other forms that are a result of accumulated karma. Buddhism is the belief that emphasizes the impermanence of lives, including all those beyond the present life. Knowing this, I no longer fear death as I know (or assume) it will lead to rebirth. If one has the option, why would they not choose this? I also have found some sense of comfort in it as I know somehow I will see you Adam again, somehow someway, I will cross paths with you again. 

Questions. Does rebirth mean the soul is reborn into a new life, meaning starting as a fetus being born? Can a soul go into another body already on earth? The person that died will always have the same soul no matter what form he/she is reincarnated "into." Correct? 
I understand that nirvana is ultimately what we want to reach. Can anyone define it or explain what it is like? I assume peace, free of pain and suffering... but where are "you?" Do you no longer exist anywhere then? It is hard for me to wrap my brain around this sadly....

I have watched What Dreams May Come countless times, I mean prob 40 or more since 2000. It has been my favorite film for many reasons. Adam watched it with me despite him being one of those "Oh I don't like the soft romantic girlie films." type. He loved it though. I hold onto the hope that death is somewhat like that. He will somehow reach me, I will feel his presence someday and know that he is not that far away. We are soul mates. We always have been since the day he met me in Middle Town but could not make it work long term due to so many obstacles. Sad now how you see all could have been overcome.

Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Fuck I hate cliches but they are so so true.
I live with so many regrets right now that it eats at me like maggots devouring a spoiled piece of meat.

I miss you.


Monday, May 18, 2015

You left way too soon

Today, May 18, 2015. It has been 5 days since you left the planet and nothing is the same. Tomorrow, a week ago, I spoke with you on the phone and you had to cut it short, saying you would talk to me later, had some business to do in town. That was the last time I spoke with you. If I knew that would be the last conversation, what would I have said differently? What would we have spoken about? The trivial day to day stuff as always? I am sickened by your leaving. I can not look at anything the same. You were my best friend despite our past, we worked through it all.. spoke volumes on how strong our relationship, our bond was.  I can not see past my pain, this heartache. I can not see past all that you have lost, your whole future, all your dreams and plans.

I know of Buddhist teachings, that by the 49th say you will have passed through the 3 phases or stages.. and you will either be reborn or have reached Nirvana.

I just want to see you again, hear your voice, hear your laugh..one more time. I need to know that you are alright, somehow.

I dont want to be here alone. Please... dont leave me alone. We were back on track finally, had forgiven you for all of the past.. You were a new man.Why now?
You will always be in my thoughts no matter where I go

May 13, 2015  for Adam