Day 7. I find myself feeling the same as I did the moment I received the call, hearing the voice on the line saying, "he died." Those words, as cliche as it sounds, haunt me day and night. They play over and over in my head, taking my breath for a quick second. Every time I think of you my body is flooded with this undeniable heat, from head to toe. I can only assume it is due to my panic attacks, grown significantly more severe since you have left.
I am in a state of numbness mixed in with a pain I can't get a handle on, which is so unlike me. I am usually in control of my feelings. I don't let people affect me, get into my veins. I don't show emotion, I don't cry-all signs of weakness I was told all of my life. I maintain control of myself and my thoughts and feelings at all times. Or so I once did.
Everything I do I feel almost guilty that I am "doing It" and you aren't. Why should be doing anything when all that you had has been lost? taken away? My brain says that is not the correct way, the logical way of facing this. My heart wont let me see it any other way.
My knowledge and following of Buddhism, though my basic knowledge of explains the 49 days of transition, or that it takes 49 days for the spirit to be reborn into a new life (or reach nirvana) called bardos. Some may be reborn faster, some may take longer. How long one stay it theses phases depends on how spiritually aware or developed they are. Karma plays a significant part in this. How you treated others, behaved in your life before you died has a great impact on your next life.
Life does not end-it merely goes on into other forms that are a result of accumulated karma. Buddhism is the belief that emphasizes the impermanence of lives, including all those beyond the present life. Knowing this, I no longer fear death as I know (or assume) it will lead to rebirth. If one has the option, why would they not choose this? I also have found some sense of comfort in it as I know somehow I will see you Adam again, somehow someway, I will cross paths with you again.
Questions. Does rebirth mean the soul is reborn into a new life, meaning starting as a fetus being born? Can a soul go into another body already on earth? The person that died will always have the same soul no matter what form he/she is reincarnated "into." Correct?
I understand that nirvana is ultimately what we want to reach. Can anyone define it or explain what it is like? I assume peace, free of pain and suffering... but where are "you?" Do you no longer exist anywhere then? It is hard for me to wrap my brain around this sadly....
I have watched What Dreams May Come countless times, I mean prob 40 or more since 2000. It has been my favorite film for many reasons. Adam watched it with me despite him being one of those "Oh I don't like the soft romantic girlie films." type. He loved it though. I hold onto the hope that death is somewhat like that. He will somehow reach me, I will feel his presence someday and know that he is not that far away. We are soul mates. We always have been since the day he met me in Middle Town but could not make it work long term due to so many obstacles. Sad now how you see all could have been overcome.
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today. Fuck I hate cliches but they are so so true.
I live with so many regrets right now that it eats at me like maggots devouring a spoiled piece of meat.
I miss you.
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