Putting myself first

It has been 34 days since you left. 

I am in awe, the best way of defining it, how everyone around me expects me to just be fine with this, to go about my life as if nothing has happened, has changed, or that I should even be phased by this is any way. 
To say the least, I am heartbroken, living every day in this empty shell, trying to find one minute joy in each new day enough to carry on to the next. I know there will be a easier future despite your absence, I just cant see it yet. I find myself resenting those around me for overlooking my feelings, for not being there for me in a time when I desperately have needed someone to just "be there for me," for whatever it may be, to talk to, to ramble on and on, to bounce thoughts off of, to lean on, to turn to for advice but mostly to be my support during this very difficult and painful time in my life.

No one has been that for me, not my friends, my children, or my so-called boyfriend that claims he is supportive but can't sense I am hurting at all? No one has "the time" to spend any time with me whatsoever. I am not begging for anyone to feel sorry for me or to give me special attention, I merely thought that maybe they could put aside some things just for a short time, make time for me,  during this time while I am grieving. No more.

I have learned that I can't count on them for anything. I can, as always, only count on myself to console myself. This experience has awakened so much in me despite the great level of pain that I sense may never truly leave me. Perhaps that is ok.
It is time I think about my life, my future What I want for my life, for myself, how to make myself happy... instead of putting everyone first as I have always done. If I didn't put the needs of others first, I would have seen Adam before he died. This is where it ends.  
What a tragedy that it has taken the loss of my best friend to show me that I need to think of myself over others.
Where will I go?  Michigan? Move further south? I will save enough money to get a down payment on a house or mobile and not ask for anything from anybody and just move away, start over, myself, my animals and my memories of Adam. That will be enough for the rest of my life. If they choose to be apart of my life, that will be on the part of them not me.

I miss you Adam, so very much.  I realize that you are in the 34 day of Bardo, looking for that perfect womb to be reborn from. I wish you well, my friend. I will see  you again. Soon.

June 4, 2015

Do you hear me when I speak to you? 
Do my words just fade away into the air? 
How far are you?
You are in the 2nd stage of bardos, facing karma, the peaceful and wrathful deities coming to you, forcing you to face your past decisions, choices, all that you did and said.
Will you face it honestly or deny it?
It is almost impossible for me to find any sense of comfort in my days.
How am I not to worry about you still, even in death?
You were not the most angelic of people in your life yet know you had a good heart.
The acts you committed
the words that came from your mouth in anger
the jealousy
the lies
the aggression...
what often motivated you was not pure..
The five precepts are not to kill, not to steal, not to lie, to not commit sexual misconduct, to not take illicit drugs/drink alcohol.
Facing what you have done will free yourself of your past, and you will not need to repeat such acts. Accept what you have done,open up your heart and mind and be free.
In there, you will find peace. 
Be reborn well, good, happy.
Find me again.
I miss you so very much Adam.