Story of my Life
It seems that there is this circle in my life in which I
always come back to. Here I am, my feeble
maybe more so pathetic attempts at trying to love another and stay in a
relationship. It amuses me that when I don’t care about the situation that I
am, whether it is is classified as a relationship or not, that it seems to go
well without trauma. Yet when I want the relationship to work, have truly fallen for the guy and know that my
heart and mind have agreed, for once, that this is the one that I will stick
with, trust, and not give up on.. that he will be the one that will not deceive
me, lie to me, cheat on me, or play me for a fool.. it seems to all fall apart.
I cant seem to keep it at a place where it is stable. Is it me or is it him
that is more at fault?
Circumstances that have led me to this point again are
subjective yet quite prominent. They however are argumentative yet I see no
effort coming from his side almost in his defense. Should he need a defense at
this point though? There are no true accusations coming from me. Im not sure I even have the energy or strength
to go down that path again, to talk this out, especially if the outcome is
just the same as it has always been. Im not sure that I have enough heart left to do this all again.
The space between his texts is blatantly obvious. I know how
sensitive he is to my silence yet he does the same. He will say he is getting something
to eat and is gone for several hours. He
goes to the casino several times. I wonder if this is to gamble, is there
someone there of interest, or is this just a lie? He is on the very ridiculous, yet addicting
social media site fb very often. I have never been bothered by this site when I was involved with someone in the past and they were part of this site.
I question my uneasiness now why I am with him. In fact, I
question many feelings of uneasiness I have with him and where they are stemming
from. I admit part of it is due to the miles and knowing it is hard on him. I realize
he gets lonely. I am aware of his huge sexual appetite also. Is he able to wait
for me each month until our next visit or is it too much? I, in no way, assume he
has been unfaithful, I am merely starting to wonder if he is headed in that direction.
Is it his age that causes me this uncertainty? Feeling that I cant satisfy him
and he is not yet settled? His interests in things that are outside of what I am accustomed to? At the beginning of our relationship when his ex
contacted me, she told me he always was talking to other girls when they were
together, that there were always other girls in the picture. As much as I try
to write that off, her words haunt me. I realize this gives her power.
The hardest part that I have also come to realize
is admitting a pathetic weakness in me. When we started this relationship and he changed
the status of him & I on fb to in a relationship
it was the first time I allowed someone to change that for the public to see.
It was a huge step for me that most
would think nothing of. Not only was getting involved with someone again a monumental
step but showing the world I was taking a chance with someone was also giant step for me.
When we were having problems he was so quick to change back to single. I didn’t
see a reason to change back. A month later, he still has remained single.
This could be for two reasons. #1 He doubts our future and doesn’t want to change
it only to separate again. #2 There is someone on fb that he wants them to see
him as single. The world is not fb. Family and work, as far as I know, still
knows of his involvement with me. So this just comes down to the fb world. As much as I have tried to ignore it and
what it could mean, I am unable to. Its not the importance of fb but more so
what it could imply. The social media sites really take their toll on relationships. As smart as I am and reluctant as I am to be a part of it, it still affects me. I miss the days when we didnt have cell phones or all these private sites that lead people to wonder.
I have never been this in love as I am with him. It tears me apart to think another may have his attention now and slowly I am fading. There is nothing I can do through.. no words or actions can stop the process. He will choose his course of action. I wish that I could be enough to satisfy him in every way, to keep him with me always, to be the only one to have his love and attention but this is the story of my life.
Tell me what to do Adam.
Tell me what to do Adam.
