Story of my Life

Story of my Life

 It seems that there is this circle in my life in which I always come back to. Here I am, my feeble  maybe more so pathetic attempts at trying to love another and stay in a relationship. It amuses me that when I don’t care about the situation that I am, whether it is is classified as a relationship or not, that it seems to go well without trauma. Yet when I want the relationship to work, have truly fallen for the guy and know that my heart and mind have agreed, for once, that this is the one that I will stick with, trust, and not give up on.. that he will be the one that will not deceive me, lie to me, cheat on me, or play me for a fool.. it seems to all fall apart. I cant seem to keep it at a place where it is stable. Is it me or is it him that is more at fault?

Circumstances that have led me to this point again are subjective yet quite prominent. They however are argumentative yet I see no effort coming from his side almost in his defense. Should he need a defense at this point though? There are no true accusations coming from me.  Im not sure I even have the energy or strength to go down that path again, to talk this out, especially if the outcome is just the same as it has always been.  Im not sure that I have enough heart left to do this all again.

The space between his texts is blatantly obvious. I know how sensitive he is to my silence yet he does the same. He will say he is getting something to eat and is gone for several hours.  He goes to the casino several times. I wonder if this is to gamble, is there someone there of interest, or is this just a lie? He is on the very ridiculous, yet addicting social media site fb very often. I have never been bothered by this site when I was involved with someone in the past and they were part of this site.

I question my uneasiness now why I am with him. In fact, I question many feelings of uneasiness I have with him and where they are stemming from. I admit part of it is due to the miles and knowing it is hard on him. I realize he gets lonely. I am aware of his huge sexual appetite also. Is he able to wait for me each month until our next visit or is it too much? I, in no way, assume he has been unfaithful, I am merely starting to wonder if he is headed in that direction. Is it his age that causes me this uncertainty? Feeling that I cant satisfy him and he is not yet settled? His interests in things that are outside of what I am accustomed to?  At the beginning of our relationship when his ex contacted me, she told me he always was talking to other girls when they were together, that there were always other girls in the picture. As much as I try to write that off, her words haunt me. I realize this gives her power.

The hardest part that I have also come to realize is admitting a pathetic weakness in me. When we started this relationship and he changed the status of him & I on fb to in a relationship it was the first time I allowed someone to change that for the public to see. It was a huge step for me that most would think nothing of. Not only was getting involved with someone again a monumental step but showing the world I was taking a chance with someone was also giant step for me. When we were having problems he was so quick to change back to single. I didn’t see a reason to change back.  A month later, he still has remained single. This could be for two reasons. #1 He doubts our future and doesn’t want to change it only to separate again. #2 There is someone on fb that he wants them to see him as single. The world is not fb. Family and work, as far as I know, still knows of his involvement with me. So this just comes down to the fb world.  As much as I have tried to ignore it and what it could mean, I am unable to. Its not the importance of fb but more so what it could imply. The social media sites really take their toll on relationships. As smart as I am and reluctant as I am to be a part of it, it still affects me. I miss the days when we didnt have cell phones or all these private sites that lead people to wonder.

I have never been this in love as I am with him. It tears me apart to think another may have his attention now and slowly I am fading. There is nothing I can do through.. no words or actions can stop the process. He will choose his course of action. I wish that I could be enough to satisfy him in every way, to keep him with me always, to be the only one to have his love and attention but this is the story of my life.

Tell me what to do Adam.

Everything I do you are With me

I miss you each and every day.
The poetic words that once flowed so effortlessly seem lost inside of me.
Life has resumed for me, as they say, after a loved one dies. 
Resumed to a level where I function in an acceptable manner, go through the motions,
can make it through the day,
keeping it together.

I realize now that it is alright to carry this ache inside of me,
this ache is for you, because of you 
It does not have to be something to rid myself of, ever.
Everything I do, you are with me. 
My thoughts are filled with your memory, memories of us.

People might have their opinions on what is right or wrong.
All I know is that I dont feel as alone as I did several weeks back,
that  having you with me this way helps me get through the days..
Now how can that be bad?

You are still with me, even in death.
I will not ever let you go either, my friend.

Thirty Days Gone

Thirty Days Gone

Thirty days gone
My hopes for tomorrow
Waking to an easier, less troublesome day
Ceasing to wake.

You were reliable
in an unreliable world,
full of broken promises
failed followups and empty words.

You were considerate
Always managing to find time for me
in a chaotic
stuck on fast-forward world.

You knew me
all my idiosyncrasies,
quirks, phobias and issues,
Saw through my facade,
accepted me as I was.

I taught you compassion.
You taught me perseverance.
I taught you tolerance.
You taught me determination.
I taught you how to relax.
You taught me how to not take myself so seriously.
I taught you patience.
You taught me about my strength.

A life that is lost too soon is inconceivable.
A best friend that is lost forever is unconscionable.

For Adam
June 13, 2015

My Wings

My Wings

Miles distance, with apparent feeble attempts to show truth and sincerity. The fog thickens.
It is becoming increasingly more difficult to have any faith in the path in which I want to take.
The soles of my feet feel the cool rich earth pulling me in deeper and deeper.
The more I struggle the more I become a part of it.

I need to fly. 
My wings may be slightly torn but if I stay in the illusion, 
I will become permanently grounded,
entrapped in the the vines of a typical life.

The Wanderer

What is she like?
    I was told-
    She is a
    melancholy soul.

She is like
    the sun to night;
    a momentary gold

A star when dimmed
    by dawning light;
    the flicker of
    a candle blown.

A lonely kite
    kept lost in flight-
    someone once
    had flown.

Author: Lang Leav

She's a wild child he could tame

"She's a wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child

You've never heard of her favorite band unless you
Been to Bonnaroo or Burning Man
She's Penny Lane in a Chevy van, she loves to love
She loves me wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child
She'll be here until she runs
Some just have to chase the sun."

You were the only one that could partially tame me.
You were the only one that knew me, understood me.
Even when I refused to let you in, put up my walls,
fought you with all that I had, talked in circles..
You kept pushing forward, never gave up and got through.
Fact is no one else has ever done that
and I am sure no one ever will do that again.

Facing a future alone is frightening yet humbling.
I can do this.
Would you do it for me?
I wish I had a fraction of your strength.
You taught me so much.
It has been only  month and a half since you left.
How am I to live without your pushing me?

Putting myself first

It has been 34 days since you left. 

I am in awe, the best way of defining it, how everyone around me expects me to just be fine with this, to go about my life as if nothing has happened, has changed, or that I should even be phased by this is any way. 
To say the least, I am heartbroken, living every day in this empty shell, trying to find one minute joy in each new day enough to carry on to the next. I know there will be a easier future despite your absence, I just cant see it yet. I find myself resenting those around me for overlooking my feelings, for not being there for me in a time when I desperately have needed someone to just "be there for me," for whatever it may be, to talk to, to ramble on and on, to bounce thoughts off of, to lean on, to turn to for advice but mostly to be my support during this very difficult and painful time in my life.

No one has been that for me, not my friends, my children, or my so-called boyfriend that claims he is supportive but can't sense I am hurting at all? No one has "the time" to spend any time with me whatsoever. I am not begging for anyone to feel sorry for me or to give me special attention, I merely thought that maybe they could put aside some things just for a short time, make time for me,  during this time while I am grieving. No more.

I have learned that I can't count on them for anything. I can, as always, only count on myself to console myself. This experience has awakened so much in me despite the great level of pain that I sense may never truly leave me. Perhaps that is ok.
It is time I think about my life, my future What I want for my life, for myself, how to make myself happy... instead of putting everyone first as I have always done. If I didn't put the needs of others first, I would have seen Adam before he died. This is where it ends.  
What a tragedy that it has taken the loss of my best friend to show me that I need to think of myself over others.
Where will I go?  Michigan? Move further south? I will save enough money to get a down payment on a house or mobile and not ask for anything from anybody and just move away, start over, myself, my animals and my memories of Adam. That will be enough for the rest of my life. If they choose to be apart of my life, that will be on the part of them not me.

I miss you Adam, so very much.  I realize that you are in the 34 day of Bardo, looking for that perfect womb to be reborn from. I wish you well, my friend. I will see  you again. Soon.