Everything I do you are With me

I miss you each and every day.
The poetic words that once flowed so effortlessly seem lost inside of me.
Life has resumed for me, as they say, after a loved one dies. 
Resumed to a level where I function in an acceptable manner, go through the motions,
can make it through the day,
keeping it together.

I realize now that it is alright to carry this ache inside of me,
this ache is for you, because of you 
It does not have to be something to rid myself of, ever.
Everything I do, you are with me. 
My thoughts are filled with your memory, memories of us.

People might have their opinions on what is right or wrong.
All I know is that I dont feel as alone as I did several weeks back,
that  having you with me this way helps me get through the days..
Now how can that be bad?

You are still with me, even in death.
I will not ever let you go either, my friend.

Thirty Days Gone

Thirty Days Gone

Thirty days gone
My hopes for tomorrow
Waking to an easier, less troublesome day
Ceasing to wake.

You were reliable
in an unreliable world,
full of broken promises
failed followups and empty words.

You were considerate
Always managing to find time for me
in a chaotic
stuck on fast-forward world.

You knew me
all my idiosyncrasies,
quirks, phobias and issues,
Saw through my facade,
accepted me as I was.

I taught you compassion.
You taught me perseverance.
I taught you tolerance.
You taught me determination.
I taught you how to relax.
You taught me how to not take myself so seriously.
I taught you patience.
You taught me about my strength.

A life that is lost too soon is inconceivable.
A best friend that is lost forever is unconscionable.

For Adam
June 13, 2015

My Wings

My Wings

Miles distance, with apparent feeble attempts to show truth and sincerity. The fog thickens.
It is becoming increasingly more difficult to have any faith in the path in which I want to take.
The soles of my feet feel the cool rich earth pulling me in deeper and deeper.
The more I struggle the more I become a part of it.

I need to fly. 
My wings may be slightly torn but if I stay in the illusion, 
I will become permanently grounded,
entrapped in the the vines of a typical life.

The Wanderer

What is she like?
    I was told-
    She is a
    melancholy soul.

She is like
    the sun to night;
    a momentary gold

A star when dimmed
    by dawning light;
    the flicker of
    a candle blown.

A lonely kite
    kept lost in flight-
    someone once
    had flown.

Author: Lang Leav

She's a wild child he could tame

"She's a wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child

You've never heard of her favorite band unless you
Been to Bonnaroo or Burning Man
She's Penny Lane in a Chevy van, she loves to love
She loves me wild child
Got a rebel soul with a whole lot of gypsy wild style
She can't be tied down but for a while
I'll be falling free and so alive
Might break my heart but God she drives me wild child
She'll be here until she runs
Some just have to chase the sun."

You were the only one that could partially tame me.
You were the only one that knew me, understood me.
Even when I refused to let you in, put up my walls,
fought you with all that I had, talked in circles..
You kept pushing forward, never gave up and got through.
Fact is no one else has ever done that
and I am sure no one ever will do that again.

Facing a future alone is frightening yet humbling.
I can do this.
Would you do it for me?
I wish I had a fraction of your strength.
You taught me so much.
It has been only  month and a half since you left.
How am I to live without your pushing me?

Putting myself first

It has been 34 days since you left. 

I am in awe, the best way of defining it, how everyone around me expects me to just be fine with this, to go about my life as if nothing has happened, has changed, or that I should even be phased by this is any way. 
To say the least, I am heartbroken, living every day in this empty shell, trying to find one minute joy in each new day enough to carry on to the next. I know there will be a easier future despite your absence, I just cant see it yet. I find myself resenting those around me for overlooking my feelings, for not being there for me in a time when I desperately have needed someone to just "be there for me," for whatever it may be, to talk to, to ramble on and on, to bounce thoughts off of, to lean on, to turn to for advice but mostly to be my support during this very difficult and painful time in my life.

No one has been that for me, not my friends, my children, or my so-called boyfriend that claims he is supportive but can't sense I am hurting at all? No one has "the time" to spend any time with me whatsoever. I am not begging for anyone to feel sorry for me or to give me special attention, I merely thought that maybe they could put aside some things just for a short time, make time for me,  during this time while I am grieving. No more.

I have learned that I can't count on them for anything. I can, as always, only count on myself to console myself. This experience has awakened so much in me despite the great level of pain that I sense may never truly leave me. Perhaps that is ok.
It is time I think about my life, my future What I want for my life, for myself, how to make myself happy... instead of putting everyone first as I have always done. If I didn't put the needs of others first, I would have seen Adam before he died. This is where it ends.  
What a tragedy that it has taken the loss of my best friend to show me that I need to think of myself over others.
Where will I go?  Michigan? Move further south? I will save enough money to get a down payment on a house or mobile and not ask for anything from anybody and just move away, start over, myself, my animals and my memories of Adam. That will be enough for the rest of my life. If they choose to be apart of my life, that will be on the part of them not me.

I miss you Adam, so very much.  I realize that you are in the 34 day of Bardo, looking for that perfect womb to be reborn from. I wish you well, my friend. I will see  you again. Soon.

June 4, 2015

Do you hear me when I speak to you? 
Do my words just fade away into the air? 
How far are you?
You are in the 2nd stage of bardos, facing karma, the peaceful and wrathful deities coming to you, forcing you to face your past decisions, choices, all that you did and said.
Will you face it honestly or deny it?
It is almost impossible for me to find any sense of comfort in my days.
How am I not to worry about you still, even in death?
You were not the most angelic of people in your life yet know you had a good heart.
The acts you committed
the words that came from your mouth in anger
the jealousy
the lies
the aggression...
what often motivated you was not pure..
The five precepts are not to kill, not to steal, not to lie, to not commit sexual misconduct, to not take illicit drugs/drink alcohol.
Facing what you have done will free yourself of your past, and you will not need to repeat such acts. Accept what you have done,open up your heart and mind and be free.
In there, you will find peace. 
Be reborn well, good, happy.
Find me again.
I miss you so very much Adam.